Episode 126. Comparisons with Other Coaches & Entrepreneurs

Let’s talk about comparisons. Specifically, I want to chat about comparing yourself with your colleagues who are “your competitors”, and when they’re signing clients but you’re not. Maybe they’re more “ahead” of you even though you started around the same time. Or maybe you’re feeling triggered somehow by your colleague and intellectually you know you shouldn’t be feeling triggered, but you are. So, let’s talk about all of that.

In This Episode:

Comparing yourself with other coaches who are signing clients and now you feel behind

Let’s be super honest here. All of us. I know. ALL OF US. Have compared ourselves with our “competitors” and colleagues in the industry who are selling the same thing or doing the same thing as us. Especially if you’ve been able to identify some sort of similarities between you two.

For example, maybe you both started your business around the same time but they’ve made more money than you at this point. Or maybe, you both share the same cultural background. On the surface, it feels like you’re direct competitors because you look similar demographically. Or maybe, the brand that you’ve both curated and created looks and feels similar, but your colleague appears to be signing more clients than you.

Now, even if you might really like what the other person is doing, you might still be thinking, “I’m not doing well. I’m not as good as them. They’re better than me at this.” Perhaps when you think about them, you might also think that their business is so much easier. Signing clients must be easy for them, and that life is easier because they’re signing clients. 

Maybe you also already know that you don’t know what’s really happening in their business or life, and you likely already have the awareness that the only glimpse into their business and life that you have access to, is through what they share and market on social media. 

Intellectually, you know that your comparisons are really just based on a lot of assumptions. Yet, despite your logical brain trying to coach yourself, let’s be honest, it can still feel really shitty when you see others signing clients and you’re not. It still feels like their business and their life is easier.

I think for a lot of us, we also intellectually are aware of the consequences of comparisons. 

In my own experiences, comparisons simply take up all of my time and cognitive energy. When I go on Instagram, I’d feel the urge to consume all of their content and pay extra attention to them. That in itself is a huge time and emotional energy drain.

It even seeps into my coaching and I feel desperate for my own clients to get better results than the clients of other business coaches.

What ends up happening is not necessarily better quality coaching, but results in me over-babying or over-hand holding my clients. I don’t challenge them to use their critical thinking and to step into their own thought leadership.

Of course, it makes me feel more desperate for clients. It makes me feel like I need to prove that I’m just as good as the other person. Because of that, I would wallow in scarcity and think that the other coaches will take all of my potential clients. It’s that feeling of, “Oh, there’s only a limited number of clients and if someone else got them already, I can’t get them”. 

So, I want to spend some time first unpacking why comparisons are such a common phenomenon as we’re building our online coaching business and personal brands. Then we’ll spend some time going through some practical tips on how to manage comparisons and what to do when you feel triggered by your colleagues.

Why comparisons are so common and natural among coaches and entrepreneurs

First, I think there is something cultural at play here.

For a lot of us, perhaps more so in certain cultures, we feel like there’s not enough room for all of us to sit at the table. When we think that there’s only one of us, we feel more validated. 

I think for many of us, there’s this underlying theme where we end up comparing ourselves and pinning ourselves against another person, not because we have a malicious intent against the other person, but because we’re trying to strive for what they have. 

Comparisons likely have cultural roots for many of us. We were taught to compare and compete. It’s very normal, now that we’re building our own online businesses and personal brands, that we’re literally doing the same thing. We’ve been brought up to think about other people and their success in this way. Honestly, I think it goes without saying that comparison is a very, VERY natural human behavior.

To drill this particular point home, while I was prepping my script for this episode, I decided to do some quick research on actual studies that was done on the culture of social comparisons. The most prominent research paper that came up was titled The Culture of Social Comparison, which was published in 2018 by Matthew Baldwin and Thomas Mussweiler inside the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences journal, a very prestigious and highly cited journal.

The paper examined how our environment will influence the extent to which we look to others for affiliation, self esteem, or indicators about what we should think, how we should feel, and how we should act.

The study specifically found that for people who live in “tight” cultures, which means that there are clear social norms and punishments for anyone who deviates from the norms, these people are more likely to compare themselves with peers so they can figure out how they themselves should think, feel, and act.

If we were to extract this main nugget from the study and apply it to our coaching business, I would say that because there are often “tight” norms surrounding what it means to be successful as an online coach or entrepreneur. And we’ve unknowingly created these expectations for what a successful coach or entrepreneur is supposed to do or not do.

It makes sense, for a lot of us building our online coaching businesses, why we often compare ourselves to other coaches and entrepreneurs. It’s because we worry that if we deviate from the norm, we won’t have a successful business. And to many of us, that’s a lot of risk right there, right? 

The risk in our heads is that, if we don’t look and sound like other successful coaches and entrepreneurs, then we won’t get a piece of the pie. We’ll miss out on clients. That’s a risk we’re not willing to take. We’re not willing to deviate from the “entrepreneurial norms”.

Secondly, I’d also think there’s some sort of perception of scarcity. Specifically, scarcity of clients who will pay you.  It’s similar to university acceptances. There’s only a limited number of people who will get accepted every year. And if one person gets accepted, that means a lesser chance of you getting the remaining potential acceptance letters.

But the thing is, that’s not how it works in your online coaching business. 

Think about it. Really think about the reasons why this isn’t true.

First, for most of us, if we want a coaching business that makes 6 figures a year, and let’s say your coaching offer is $2,500. That means you need 40 clients a year. There sure as hell are 40 people on this globe, every year, who can benefit and find immense value from working with you. It is your job to get in front of those people and continue to show up for them.

And sure, maybe 40 clients a year seems really far out of reach for you right now, so it’s your job to continue honing your skills so you can get in front of those 40 people every year.

The main point here is that the pool of clients isn’t as scarce and limited as we think. It’s not like you and your colleague are both fighting for a pool of ten clients.

Second, clients can work with more than one coach. They can work with you and your colleague. Why? Because you and your colleagues all bring something different to the table and your clients may want to learn from different approaches and viewpoints and work with different coaching styles.

That’s a very, very, very possible scenario that has happened for me. So many of my own clients have joined another business coaching program prior to working with me.

All that to say, even if we’ve been culturally ingrained with the mindset of competition, when we’re building an online coaching business, we can understand that our natural companion instincts likely have cultural roots. But we don’t have to carry that mindset with us into our business.

Third, a super practical explanation for all of this is simply because the person who you’re comparing yourself with is likely painting the picture that “This is easy”. 

Whether it’s intentionally or completely unintentionally, it’s likely they’ve posted something that makes us believe “Wow, it must be so much easier for them”. They probably literally posted something that makes us believe that is the case for them.

Quite frankly, the intention behind “painting a highlight reel” isn’t really the problem. We’re all building a brand and a business, and there’s some sort of intention behind every post, every touchpoint on the internet, no matter what.

Everything we post on Instagram, for example, it’s really just for marketing. Even if you’re not building a business. Many people are posting something with the hope that their post gets some form of engagement, right? Meaning, there is still some sort of intention behind the post.

So rather than focusing on what a person’s intention is for posting whatever it is they’re posting, it’s more relevant for us to remember that for every single person, for every single business, there will be both highs and lows. 

Think about college and university education. All we see on the school’s brochures and websites is how amazing their college experience is, how good their research is, how good their rankings are and so on. They are excellent at painting a beautiful picture of their university. Even though for many of us, we know that the shiny picture painted by the school is 99% of the time very far from the actual student experience.

Do we expect them to talk about those issues on their websites? For example, do we as consumers expect the university to talk about the student loan debts that happen for their students? Or the terrible mental health that many of their students go through?

No. We might see their parties and super pristine dorm rooms and classrooms. But even for many of us, we know that that isn’t the real reality. We don’t expect the school to necessarily make efforts to discuss such issues on their own marketing or social media.

The same concept applies to you and your colleagues who are building your own online coaching businesses and brands.

Even for something like Instagram stories, which is marketed as a feature on the Instagram platform where you get to share the real life or behind-the-scenes of your life, it’s really not the case.

Each of us, even for non-business owners and non-coaches, every person is extremely selective with what they share and don’t share on Instagram stories. It’s all marketing. Instagram stories are like a few seconds glimpse into someone’s life. It’s never the full picture.

Four tips on managing the negative emotions or thoughts that arise when you compare yourself to others

Now that we’ve grounded the conversation and discussed why comparisons are such a normal human phenomenon, I’d love to unpack a bit on how we can work through the negative emotions that often arise when we’re comparing ourselves with other entrepreneurs.

Tip 1: Having the awareness that this is super normal and don’t shame yourself 

First and foremost, we need to be aware of where we are self-shaming ourselves for having comparisons with others. When I was really seeped in comparisons, to add on top of the comparisons and jealousy,  I was, at the same time, feeling really ashamed for even comparing myself with others. Because I do genuinely respect and like the particular individuals I was comparing myself to. I truly do think they do amazing work and have such a needed message.

I first had to recognize that I’m not a bad person for comparing myself or feeling jealousy and envy towards others doing similar work as me. I first had to acknowledge that I am human. 

Comparing is normal. Truly. It’s such a natural human behavior to compare. That’s why it’s not necessarily the comparison itself that’s the problem, but it’s what we make that comparison mean about ourselves, which often brings up a slew of problems.

This is why we spent a good 15 minutes just now unpacking why comparisons come up for us and why it’s such a normal experience. There’s no need to shame yourself for comparisons.

Tip 2: Believing in your own unique thought leadership and quality of work

What often happens when we’re clouded in our own comparisons is that we focus only on the areas of overlap between ourselves and the other person. We zone in only on the common ground and we tell ourselves that the other person is better than us when it comes to this one particular area that we both have in common.

The question I want to offer is: In what ways are you different from the people you’re comparing yourself to?

Really take that time to answer the question.  

For me, when I was really working on my own belief that I have my own unique thought leadership and was working on grounding back to what was uniquely different about me and what is uniquely innate in me, I remember that I was also simultaneously working on my own belief of: I am good at what I do. I have people to help. I got work to do.

I had to first learn to validate myself and the work that I do, rather than hoping that signing clients will be the validation I so deeply crave.

Because when you step into your power and really step into your own unique thought leadership, no one else can do it like you. This is why you need to work on strengthening your belief in your own unique thought leadership and that what you do is important, needed, good quality work as a coach and entrepreneur.

When you can validate yourself, you don’t need to compare yourself with others to gauge whether you’re doing good or not. You no longer feel validated or invalidated by your comparisons, when you can validate yourself.

Tip 3: Comparisons can often unearth what it is that you think you need in order to be successful, but it may not actually be required

Because when you’re triggered by someone else’s success, whatever the particular metric of success you’re evaluating yourself and the other person on, when you’re judging yourself and feeling shit about yourself, start to pay extra attention to what it is that you think you yourself are lacking.

Let’s say we flip the switch and say that you feel like you already have that success that you’re making a comparison on. If that’s the case, and you’re looking at your colleague hitting that benchmark of success as well, you’d probably be really happy for them and be cheering them on.

But if you feel like you’re lacking on that metric, then seeing someone else hit a benchmark is going to trigger some thoughts from within you about how you’re lacking. This is exactly how we can tell that this is something you think you’re lacking and that you must acquire this or increase it in yourself in order to get the same success that your colleague is getting. 

For example, let’s say that you think another colleague is more beautiful and visually attractive than you, meaning they have the looks that you don’t. Or they have the image of being more put together, matured and sophisticated than you. In this scenario, you think that they exude a certain air of elegance that you don’t have. Or maybe you think that colleague is a full-time entrepreneur and you’re currently doing this on top of a full-time job, so you think that they have more time and resources, which you don’t.

When you notice you’re triggered and comparing yourself to them because you think you’re lacking the looks, this could be a moment for you to really assess whether these “shoulds” are even a “should” in the first place. And whether this “should” is aligned with who you are and how you want to build this business.

Because to some entrepreneurs, perhaps their looks are an integral part of their brand. Maybe they really care about beauty, whether that means their own appearance or the way their brand visually looks online. But to others, it’s out of integrity for them to be super nit picky with their visuals and image. It’s just not how they operate and it would be totally out of alignment for them if they were to prioritize visuals over their other core values.

Start paying attention whenever you’re comparing yourself to someone and feeling triggered by the other person because you think they have something that you don’t, and that’s the reason why they supposedly are signing clients and you’re not.

Pay extra close attention to whether that’s true or not, and whether this is in alignment with your own values. If it’s a no to both questions, especially the second question, then we can start to unbind from the inner pressure to “do better” in this area.

But if it’s actually a yes to the second question, then let’s move forward to tip #4.

Tip 4: Comparisons may also unearth where you think you’re not meant for something, but you have this deep inner desire for that thing. This shows you where your work lies moving forward. 

Oftentimes, it can be deeply painful when there’s certain qualities or experiences or characteristics that you want to embody or create for yourself, like you deeply want it, but at the same time, you deeply believe that you can’t have it.

If that’s the case, no wonder comparisons are so deeply triggering and painful for you. But, here’s what I will say: If you know that there’s something you really, really want and it’s not necessarily because you think you should want that or that you should be that or have that, but rather, you deeply want that or want to be that, that’s a sign to get to work.

Let this inspire you to take audacious action. Seriously. Let this empower you and drive you to be absolutely fanatical at creating it for yourself. 

I actually saw a cat meme recently. It’s a picture of a cat sitting on top of a little pedestal. The pedestal initially had a little status on top of it, but the meme shows that the cat had knocked over the status and has now replaced the status with himself or herself. And the caption for the meme was: “She knocked the little statue off so she could be the statue”.

That is the energy I want us to be in if this resonates with you. If there’s something you deeply want to create, if you want to be the statue, then let’s get to work and become the statue. 

Such a good cat meme! 

Let’s all borrow this audacious self belief and action taking of this cat.

Comparisons are so natural. Don’t let them slow you down.

Remember: Comparisons are so natural. It makes sense why you feel some type of way when other entrepreneurs are signing clients and you feel like you’re behind compared to them. It makes sense.

That said, I hope that you will not let these comparisons be the reason why you slow yourself and your business down. Please take some time to marinate on the tips we discussed today, and actually practice these tips and apply them.

I hope this episode was helpful to you and gives you the encouragement to keep going. 

Comparisons are highly natural and there’s no need to shame yourself over such natural human behavior.

Let’s continue creating amazingness in our life and business!

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