Episode 74. Spilling the Tea on My Wedding
My wedding is not something I ever expected to create a podcast episode on.
Looking back at the past four months, there are too many lessons I’ve learned from the process I think must be shared because there’s a lot of life and business lessons that I’ve personally learnt from this experience.
I hope this will be a super interesting, entertaining, and also valuable episode for you.
In This Episode:
- Why we decided to get married
- It is okay if you want to do things differently
- When things go the way you don’t expect them to, such as our proposal!
- Always have a firm understanding of who you are and what are your own priorities (don’t let the noise influence your decisions)
- It is okay if people have their own thoughts and opinions. We all have different value systems.
- You are very, very capable of problem-solving and finding alternative options
- Planning my wedding pushed me in ways I did not expect
Why we decided to get married
If you had asked me September 2021 or earlier when I think I’d get married, I definitely would not have expected it to happen so early. Especially since up until September 2021, I wasn’t able to see my then boyfriend, now husband for 19 months.
Getting married was not on either of our radar’s at all. Because up until then, both of us were still waiting to be able to see each other again. And it finally did happen in September when the Hong Kong government suddenly relaxed the rules and travel restrictions.
The entire wedding process was rather rushed and unexpected and there were definitely stressors along the way, not just related to the wedding but also just like life stressors. When I think back on the past couple of months, despite the situation, I’m immensely grateful that we’re together now, in person.
I’m extremely proud of my now husband and myself for planning the entire thing all on our own and doing it in less than four months, and I’m just really happy. I never thought I’d be physically in Singapore right now as I’m recording this.
The pandemic has really shaken things up and we’ve had to make a lot of decisions unexpectedly because of Covid. Getting married was one of the decisions that was born out of the pandemic.
That’s why one of the first lessons I learned from the entire experience is that it is okay if you do things differently, both in business and in life.
There are several things that happened that tie into this main lesson.
For one, we literally planned the whole wedding in less than four months. We decided to get married in early October, and we got married by the third week of February. The timeline was basically four months.
This was contrary to what I typically hear when it comes to wedding planning. At least from my awareness or from people who I’ve spoken to before, most people tend to plan their wedding at least one year out in advance.
When I was reading blog articles online about tips for wedding planning or looking at those free checklists on how to plan weddings and what you should consider, basically all of them were operating from timelines that were at least nine or twelve months from the actual wedding day.
Without going into detail, we chose a four month timeline because I was initially planning around other major events like how many months I could take off from the PhD, how long I was legally allowed to stay in Singapore because I don’t have a long term visa yet, and also planning to travel to cCanada to see family, which unfortunately got canceled because of restrictions.
Most importantly, we needed to get married so I could acquire a long term visa to stay in Singapore. After being separated for nearly two years, and also having been in a long distance relationship for almost five years, we really needed to make some decisions and changes that will allow us to be together moving forward.
And one of these decisions was to get married as soon as possible so I can have a visa to stay in Singapore and be together physically. So we decided to have the wedding four months away because of a number of logistic and practical reasons.
It is okay if you want to do things differently
Honestly, planning a wedding in four months has its pros and cons.
First, I noticed I was having a lot of mind drama initially about, omg, four months? Can I even plan a wedding in four months? What if places are all booked out?
And lo and behold. If I were to get married at the Registry of Marriage (ROM), most of the February dates were indeed already booked out when I first looked into it in October.
Because apparently February 2022 was an ultra popular month to get married. So we had to opt for an external venue. When I first looked at potential venues that we liked, quite a number of them were already booked out on weekends lunch time, which was our preferred time for the wedding.
At the very beginning, I had to do a lot of self coaching on why I am fully capable of planning a wedding in a super compressed timeline, and not letting the stress of things beyond my control freak me out and overpower me.
Because as soon as I started reading blog articles or Youtube videos on wedding planning, I noticed that I was getting really stressed because everyone suggested at least planning one year in advance.
Ultimately, one of the major lessons I had to work through was being okay with doing things differently from others, and also being able to block out the noise and understand what matters the most to me. That was really the main theme of the entire experience.
Another notable highlight of the experience means that there was actually no proposal before we decided to get married.
From what I understand, usually one person in the couple would propose first, and then they’d start the wedding planning. But for us, because of practicality reasons, we basically planned the entire wedding before the boyfriend proposed in person.
What happened was, throughout October and November 2021, we were super efficient in doing all the planning and confirming everything remotely. Because at that time , I was still located in Hong Kong and our wedding was to be held in Singapore, and my partner was in Singapore too.
It wasn’t until December when I finally flew to Singapore because I had a lot of PhD responsibilities to attend to first, before I could take a break from the PhD for the next seven months.
That was definitely something really unconventional about our wedding.
To be honest, I didn’t even know if the boyfriend was gonna propose at all because we literally already finished planning most of the wedding before I was able to fly to Singapore and be together in person.
But from what I understand, he wanted to still do it for the experience. And it was definitely an experience.
When he first proposed, basically I turned around and he was on one knee, and I thought it was a joke so I turned back around to keep drinking my drink.
But then when I saw that his friends had their cameras out and were pointing it his way, I realized, oh my goodness this is legit happening.
So I turned back around and he said some stuff. I couldn’t stop laughing because he said some pretty ridiculous things during his proposal speech.
When things go the way you don’t expect them to, such as our proposal!
I had to be okay with doing things out of practicality instead of perfection. Or like, what would be the most dreamy ideal version in my head. For example, although I never was someone who would like to dream of their dream wedding, I did kind of think a lot about what the proposal would be like.
Honestly, I thought that whenever I was proposed to, the person would say sappy things and make me cry. But I did not shed a single tear because my now husband, Allister, said a ton of ridiculous things and I was laughing the entire time.
Even though the proposal was not what I would have imagined, because I really thought it would be an emotional moment, I’m still super happy with the proposal. Because the way I see it, the purpose of the proposal isn’t necessarily for me to cry and be emotional and write a long ass Instagram caption about how moved I am.
Rather, it’s just to pop the question. So, for myself, one of the themes or lessons I learned is that I need to be crystal clear on why we are doing specific things in relation to getting married. And not let my own emotions or expectations detract from the actual intention and purpose of specific parts of the process.
Let’s be honest. If I had continued to cling onto my expectation of what I thought the proposal would look like, I’d probably be cranky during and after the proposal and that would make things sour in the relationship.
Because I was able to ground back into what the proposal meant to us and the purpose of it, I was able to actually have a pretty damn good time and got a good laugh out of it.
Always have a firm understanding of who you are and what are your own priorities (don’t let the noise influence your decisions)
This ties into what we actually spend money on for the wedding itself. Those articles and blogs and Youtube videos, they all have extensive lists of things you are “supposed” to consider, buy, purchase or do. The costs all add up. There were just so many things that my husband and I really just didn’t care about.
For example, we really didn’t care about having videography, but we did want to find a photographer whose style we really like and who produces great photography work. Which, by the way, we are obsessed with the pre wedding photos that our photographer took for us, and we cannot wait to get the actual day wedding photos from him.
Highly recommend Rylz Photography to any of you who’s looking for a wedding photographer in Singapore. He doesn’t even know I’m shouting him out haha.
We also didn’t care much about having pretty invitations, so we just sent WhatsApp messages to our guests. I did make an effort and made a small graphic for the guests who joined us virtually via Zoom.
But for the 40 guests who came in person, we sent a WhatsApp message because honestly, having nice, physical cards or letter invitations simply was not a priority for us.
We also did not have any bridesmaids or groomsmen, favors for guests, a car or decorations for the car.
And this might be controversial, but both my husband and I don’t care much for jewelry. Both my engagement ring and the wedding bands are off the rack. We chose to spend as little as possible for the rings because neither of us really cared for having a fancy ring from Cartier or Tiffany, so we went for a pair at a local jewelry store that seemed to meet our needs.
We liked how it looked, and the total was less than 200 SGD. Which, I know, might ruffle some feathers for some of our listeners. But please bear in mind that each of us have our own priorities and value systems when it comes to weddings.
Speaking of value systems, I also had to be super attuned to what my own value system and priorities are, because naturally, I did a ton of scrolling on Instagram when trying to find a photographer, looking for a florist for our venue, or looking at possible venues, hair ideas, dress ideas, and so on.
Very naturally, it’s easy to see these beautiful and extravagant weddings that probably cost a lot more money than what we want or need to spend.
But as with any of us who start to compare ourselves with strangers on the Internet, one thing that did creep up on me was, “Omg are ppl on Instagram gonna think I’m cheaping out on my wedding if it doesn’t look as nice as these ones that I’m seeing on Instagram?”
When these thoughts do creep up for me, I constantly have to ground myself back into:
1) Why am I even getting married in the first place? Which is… to get married. Legally. With my partner. Rather than flexing how pretty my wedding is on Instagram, for example.
And also 2) remembering why I’m choosing not to spend money on certain things because we genuinely just do not care for those particular details. Overall, wedding planning taught me that oftentimes, in life and business, we have to be really grounded in who we are.
For example, if you’re building a business on social media but you’re shaky in your identity and unique thought leadership, what tends to happen is that you start to see what other people are talking about on Instagram. Then you start to question and second guess what you are talking about.
You start to edit your content over and over again, and in the end, you’ll probably end up diluting the impact and potency of your original message.
KNOW YOURSELF AND KNOW WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND DON’T LET ANYONE ON INSTAGRAM SWAY YOU.
STAND FIRM IN WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN FOR.
You know what’s actually really funny? On top of having mind drama here and there about, “Omg are people gonna think I’m not doing enough for my wedding?”
I also had thoughts of, “Omg are people, especially my in-laws or my parents, gonna think I’m spending too much on my wedding?”
There were a few specific parts of the wedding that I was personally willing to invest more money in. These things include:
1) the photography
2) the flowers for the venue and
3) the venue itself
While the actual price of these three areas may be a lot for some or others may look at the price and be like, that’s actually not too bad, that’s not the point here.
The point is – I had to coach myself through my own thoughts about what people think, both from the perspective of, “Are people thinking I’m not doing enough?” And also from the perspective of “Are people thinking I’m too much?”
It’s absolutely hilarious to see both of these thoughts come up at the same time. It’s like, wow Cheryl, how can you ever win? How can you ever be at peace if you’re constantly worried about what people are thinking about your wedding?
It is okay if people have their own thoughts and opinions. We all have different value systems.
Here are some ways I coached myself through these two conflicting but very overlapping thoughts.
First, I understood that we all have different value systems. Some people may choose to spend more money on certain areas because that’s important to them, others may choose not to.
It’s just like how starting their own business, creating additional income streams and creating greater freedom and flexibility is important to some people, while others really truly are totally happy in a traditional work system and find much more peace being in an employee.
Neither is right or wrong, both are valid and both matter to the individual. That’s something I had to understand in the context of both wedding planning and also in business and life, in general.
The truth is, everyone has different value systems. No one will agree with me on everything I believe in and that’s fine. It doesn’t make me right or wrong. We can all coexist and continue operating from our own value and belief systems.
It’s also totally okay if someone has thoughts about how I’m planning or doing my wedding. It doesn’t mean anything about me or them. It just means we have different values when it comes to weddings. That’s pretty much it.
Second, another thing that helped me work through the thoughts of, “Omg what are people thinking of my wedding.” This is gonna sound cliche, but honestly, I had to accept that no one really cares. Especially because my husband and I paid for the whole thing ourselves. We didn’t ask our family to help us.
So honestly it didn’t matter what anyone thought, not even our immediate family members, who did actually have a lot of comments about prices and costs of things.
It was extremely helpful for me to remember my own core principles in life , which is:
1) Always take responsibility for your own decisions
2) Even if others may not necessarily agree with you or get what you’re doing, stay committed to what you said you’re gonna do
3) And finally, know that there’s no right or wrong. Just make a decision and keep moving forward
These three beliefs have played a pivotal role in how I look at my business and life.
Now, apparently, it’s a philosophy I’ve adopted while planning this wedding too. For real.
This is my own wedding and I have full control over it because I’m literally paying for it myself. So that means I get to make the decision over it.
That being said, I also will have to take full responsibility over it, which includes managing my own mind drama about what people think.
Let’s say, if I choose to do something that my family or in-laws may not understand, I have to take responsibility for that decision which includes managing my mind so I don’t keep second guessing my decision.
I want to share another super specific example that demonstrates this. It was three days before the actual wedding day and my mother-in-law asked me what shoes I was wearing. And I said that I was gonna wear flip flops since no one can see my shoes anyway and I wanna be safe and comfortable.
She didn’t seem pleased, and we went back and forth for like 15 minutes in the car about it. Respectfully, of course.
She tried to convince me to wear, basically something that’s not flip flops. When we got home, she also offered to lend me some of her shoes since we were similar shoe sizes.
But in the end, I stuck with my decision to wear flip flops, and I had to be okay with managing my own damn thoughts about what people think of my flip flops.
Looking back, that was definitely one of the best decisions I made in relation to the wedding.
You are very, very capable of problem-solving and finding alternative options
Finally, one more super important lesson I took away from the entire process was, wow, we can always problem solve, be creative and find alternative solutions when things don’t go as expected. Always.
We are always more capable than we think. There were a number of things that happened which really reinforced this lesson for me.
First, because of tight travel restrictions in China and Hong Kong, there was constant uncertainty leading up to the wedding about whether my parents, who would be traveling from Hong Kong and Mainland China, can even come to Singapore for the wedding.
That was definitely something that was pressing on my mind a lot leading up to the wedding, given how this was really beyond my control.
There were two things that was helpful for me here. First, it’s realizing that I simply cannot let this constant state of worry disempower me. Literally, there were days when I basically let my own fear and worry take away all my power and energy, so much so that I couldn’t even go about the rest of my day.
At some point, I realized honestly, I cannot control it. So why don’t I start looking at other options in case my parents for sure cannot come to Singapore for our wedding?
The second thing here is that we are always able to create solutions or back up plans.
For example, I realized, as much as it might be really shitty if, for some reason, my parents cannot come to Singapore, there are other options:
1) Continue the wedding without my parents
2) Forget a wedding event, but just get married at the ROM (Registry of Marriage) along with two witnesses
3) Postpone the wedding.
Of course none of these three alternatives were our preferred option, but ultimately, I had to ground back to the purpose of the wedding. It’s literally just to get married. Legally.
So we can help me get a long term visit pass so I can be legally allowed to stay in Singapore, so we can be together. And of course I’m sure we like each other too, right?
When I grounded back into this “why”. It helped me see that everything else, even having an event with guests, all of that is just a bonus.
This was not easy for me to wrap my head around for a while, especially when I would go on Instagram and see all these beautiful wedding celebrations.
But when I really grounded back into the why, overtime, it helped me filter out the Instagram noise and helped me just feel more calm in my body.
At the same time, I’d continue “taking action” on the wedding, with the original goal in mind. And the original goal here is to have a small wedding with about 45 people total, at an external venue, with my parents there, and we’d have a super great photographer, venue and flowers and we’d take beautiful photos. That’s the goal.
So I’d continue my planning and my day to day with that goal in mind, but I was no longer crippled by my own expectations. By my own fears and worries. By things out of my control.
This was one example of how I was willing to be open to other options and being willing to problem solve when needed.
Another thing that came up was literally just three weeks before the actual day. Our wedding venue said that the management of the building said there were some changes or somethin.
Long story short, the place where we were supposed to have our solemnization was no longer available, and instead, they’ll give us another spot in the area, which was literally a public space. Meaning, people in the general public could very well walk past and join the event. Like it was that public.
So this girl went all in on negotiations. Basically, I did not go easy on the venue and we eventually came to an agreement. I won’t share the details but we were able to come to some sort of agreement and we actually got another area to hold our solemnization.
It’s still a public spot, but at least it was more preferred than the one they offered us. That’s another example of being open to problem solving and also being proactive with standing up for myself.
Overall, this entire process has taught me a lot about being willing to think on my feet, be open minded about alternative options, being creative with problem solving, and most importantly, alway connecting back to the “why” and always managing my own thoughts and energy.
Because crying puddles of tears and sulking in my worries or fears does not help me. It also takes my energy away from the wedding planning itself and other responsibilities I have, such as being able to be the best coach ever for our amazing clients.
If I had to tack on one more lesson, it would be the entire experience once again reinforced, for me, the importance of managing my thoughts and energy.
Planning my wedding pushed me in ways I did not expect
This sums up the major lessons I learned from my wedding.
Let me tell you. I learned a hell of a lot from the past 4+ months. It really pushed me in ways I did not expect. I also blew my own mind in ways I did not expect.
Never would I have ever imagined planning a wedding in four months, or being able to pay for the entire thing on our own, or doing all of this during the pandemic with plenty of restrictions still going on.
If you’re listening to this episode, I hope you were able to take something away from this conversation or you were able to get to know a little bit more about me on a more personal level.
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen up to this point of the episode.
Now that wedding stuff is over for me and I’ve taken the past few weeks to rest a lot.
I am excited to start my new chapter as a married person in Singapore and am excited to continue creating more amazingness for you all here on this podcast.
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