Episode 67. Create Your Own Dream Life, Not Your Parents’ Dream

We are going to go deep. This will be a serious and very important and relevant topic. I was inspired by a specific WhatsApp message my mom sent me.

Our wedding is happening in about a month, and my parents will be flying from Hong Kong and Mainland China to attend our wedding.

I’ve been handling all of my mom’s stuff, such as booking her flights, her accommodation in Singapore, all the required documents she would need such as visa and getting approval to enter Singapore, setting reminders for when she needs to get her PCR tests, booking her mandatory 21-day quarantine when she returns to Hong Kong, and so on. Basically, I’m her travel agent.

And she sent me a message that really got me feeling deep and introspective.

She said: “Thanks for making the booking. Now you know how to look after elderlies.”

In This Episode:

How my parents played an influential role in the views I hold today
What it means to create your own dream life, not your parents’ dream: My story and experiences
How my parents started to fully back me after I dropped out of law school
Why having different career and life goals from your parents doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or lazy
What happens when you think that people don’t understand your business and what you can do
What to do if you do decide to go a different route from what others expect of you

How my parents played an influential role in the views I hold today

I don’t know what it is about that specific message, but it made me think that I’m actually starting to become someone that my parents are relying on. Because I think for many people, we feel like we’re dependent on our parents, even into our 20s or possibly 30s.

For example, here in Hong Kong and Singapore, it is very common for people in their 20s and 30s to still live with their parents because culturally, that’s what you’re expected to do. Unless you’re married and you have your own place with your partner. But also, it’s insanely expensive to buy or rent.

So for me, I currently live at home with my mom in Hong Kong. Honestly, I think that’s a major reason why I still don’t quite fully feel like I’m “independent” from my parents. Because I literally live in my mom’s home and I see her every day.

Even though I technically make my own income and pay for my own expenses. I do contribute a small amount to our household expenses. But I’d say I’m in a privileged position where I don’t have many major bills to pay.

I also fully acknowledge the privilege I have and I’m immensely grateful for the resources my parents have provided me with throughout my life, even right now. Which is why that particular message from my mother really sparked something in me.

It’s as if the roles between my parents and I are starting to shift. I’m starting to feel as if I’m starting to step into the role of providing for our family.

That gets me extremely emotional because since I was young, I have been acutely aware of the privilege I have because of the hard work my parents have put into their careers and to provide me with the life and resources I had as a child and teenager.

Since young, I had somehow imposed a sense of guilt onto myself. Specifically, I have placed a sense of guilt onto myself for not doing enough for my parents.

That included self imposed guilt for not doing well enough in school (even though I got all As). For not being talented enough in extracurricular activities (even though my parents never put any pressure on me to do so). For not getting into an Ivy League University (even though I got into super amazing schools such as Berkeley and UCLA, and ultimately decided to accept my offer to University of Toronto). And for just not “doing” enough.

Because, for some reason, I placed this sense of guilt onto myself for not being “enough” as a daughter to my parents, I developed some sort of self imposed need to strive to be the best in school and in career because I equated my career success with being a good daughter, even though my parents literally never said that to me.

Like many others who might be reading this, my parents played an influential role in the views I hold today.

My dad in particular played the biggest role in a lot of the beliefs I held about success and career. He is someone who really, really believes in the importance of being a hard worker.

He has always emphasized that even though his own family were very poor and he was not the most talented or smartest person, he prided himself as being someone extremely hard working.

He never gave up despite rejections, failures or embarrassments. He really embodied his own core values of hard work, commitment, never complaining, and never quitting.

For him, that’s how he was able to persist through many challenges in his life and career, and was able to make an income that provided me, his only child, with a very healthy and comfortable lifestyle.

I won’t share the details of his experiences or career because that’s his story to share, and I also want to respect his privacy. But I do want to share that because I’ve seen how his hard work was the reason why I had the privileges I had while growing up. And the concept of being a hard worker in every area of my life was deeply imprinted in me.

Throughout school, my dad constantly perpetuated the importance of hard work. For example, in high school, when it was exam season, I would sleep for a few hours between 11pm to 3am, and then wake up at 3am to continue studying.

My dad would actually support this by waking me up and cooking breakfast for me at 3am. Well.. maybe it’s not breakfast. But the point is, maybe he and I both had an extreme view on the notion of hard work. But either way, I really believed in the importance of hard work and persistence from a young age.

It makes a lot of sense why I grew up to be someone who values hard work and placed a lot of pressure on myself to create success in school and in my career. Because I had associated that as a way to give back to my parents and thank them for everything they have done for me.

What it means to create your own dream life, not your parents’ dream: My story and experiences

Fast forward to 2018, when I decided to drop out of law school, it made a lot of sense why my own self concept and identity felt like it crumbled. Because I always saw myself as someone who was a high achiever and worked hard no matter what.

To top it off,I felt like I had disappointed my dad. And honestly, my mom too. Because both of them did not understand my decision to leave law school.

Not only I didn’t have their support for my decision, they also said some things that really stung. For one, they called me a quitter and said I’m someone who is half hearted and not committed to what I say I’ll do.

They also said I was ungrateful for the opportunities and resources I had. I was so clear that they were disappointed in me.

I can’t quite remember if they explicitly said that, but it was clear through the other sentences they said to me during that period of time

I don’t want to go into detail, but those were some really difficult times for me personally because it led me to question everything and I didn’t know who I was.

The identity I associated myself with suddenly felt like it collapsed and I didn’t know who I was or what to do.

I felt a lot of shame and blamed myself for being the way I am. I felt like I was wrong. Like it was all my fault. I felt a lot of guilt.

However, I still knew that law just wasn’t the path meant for me. It was at this moment when I had to make a decision. Am I going to keep doing what others expect or want from me? Which in this case was to at least finish law school and get the law degree or to follow my own path and explore something else?

The decision I ultimately made was to leave law school. Honestly it was the best decision I have made for myself. Both at that time and to this day.

That’s why I strongly believe that it’s completely okay if you want to create your own dream life instead of the dream that your parents may have for you.

That said, sometimes, I think my message gives the wrong impression.

It’s more so the semantics, but I think sometimes my message of “Create your own dream life, not your parents dream” can mislead people to think, “Oh so you’re saying we should just be ungrateful for everything our parents have done for us. You’re so selfish and privileged to say that. Not all of us have the option to do so.”

Sometimes I wonder if my message might lead people to interpret my message as “We should just focus on our own goals and disregard everything our parents have done for us.”. Which is not the intention at all

Rather, I want us to recognize that there will be times when we have different or even opposing aspirations, goals, and desires from our parents. That’s completely normal and expected. Because this is where you have to make a decision and oftentimes, it’s not easy.

Are you going to take full responsibility over your decisions and stay committed to your goals? Even if people don’t get it or support you?

The truth is, it’s not other people’s job to agree with our life decisions or support our goals. That’s your own job to always have your own back and stay committed to your goals. No one else can do that for you, nor should they, even if you can’t do that for yourself.

If you decide to pursue another path that’s different from the one your parents expect or want from you, or if there’s literally no one directly or indirectly imposing any expectations on you, you simply need to make a decision about whether to do something that’s different from what you’re currently doing.

And simultaneously, be okay with taking all the responsibility over the outcomes of your decision.

Even if you end up failing and have to go back to what you were doing previously. Even if it’s really hard as you pursue this new path or initiative. Even if it’s been 5 years and no one around you is supporting you emotionally or practically.

Regardless of the outcomes, you still have to have your own back and take responsibility for the decisions you make.

How my parents started to fully back me after I dropped out of law school

After I dropped out of law school in 2018, my parents have seen me do a lot of things.

First, they saw me get a full time job as a research assistant and explored a career in research and academia. I applied for a PhD and it was completely my own decision.

Second, they saw me stay committed to building my business. They don’t quite understand what I do, because they aren’t really on social media themselves. But they still see me have coaching calls with clients and see me in deep thinking at my laptop as I create content or reflect on my clients. They see me put in the work, all on my own.

They saw me keep my word to myself, worked really damn hard, and never complained about my situation or results. I never asked them for support, whether it’s financially or emotionally.

Even when business felt hard. Even during my burnout between 2019 and 2020. Even during the pandemic when I couldn’t see my boyfriend and family for nearly two years.

I never complained to them about my situation because I knew that I made the decision and my current situation all stemmed from the decisions I made.

That’s why they trust me to make my own decisions today.

They fully back me if I decide to leave the PhD and move to Singapore. They also fully back me if I decide to stay in Hong Kong for 3 to 4 more years to finish the PhD. We literally had a conversation earlier this month about this.

This was in stark contrast to just a few years ago, when they saw me as a quitter, who half asses things, who doesn’t keep her promise, and was wasting opportunity and resources.

Their views on me have shifted completely because I made the decision and took full responsibility over it.

Why having different career and life goals from your parents doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or lazy

Another thing I’ve learned is that even if my parents don’t support my decisions, that doesn’t mean anything about me or my parents.

I’m not ungrateful or lazy simply because I have a different dream than the ones my parents had for me. It also doesn’t mean that my parents are not supportive or understanding people, because they genuinely want me to be okay in life.

My decisions mean nothing about me or my parents. All it means is that we have different viewpoints on whether or not I should have stayed in law school. That’s literally it.

When I fully accepted that, I understood that just because we had different visions for what I should do with my life, it does not mean that I have to stop working on my relationship with my parents. And that’s something that we worked on, every single day, over the past few years.

Now my relationship with my parents has never been better. Truly. It makes me so, so grateful to know that my parents still love and support me, even if we have major disagreements on certain things.

What happens when you think that people don’t understand your business and what you can do

A common thing I hear from other coaches or entrepreneurs is, “My family/friends/partner etc don’t get what I’m doing and don’t support my business.”.

But the interesting thing is if we think that people don’t understand our business, then it’s highly likely that we’ll just brush it off whenever someone asks about it.

For example, whenever someone asks “Hey, how’s that business going?”. Have you ever caught yourself saying something such as, “Oh it’s just something I do on the side.” or… “Yeah, it’s just a side hustle. Nothing big.” or “Oh yes. It’s fine. Anyway, how are you?”

If that’s the way you are answering those questions, then honestly, you’re giving off the impression that you’re not confident or committed to your business. It may even suggest to people that it’s just some cute hobby you do after work. Translation: You’re showing up in a way that tells people that you don’t believe in what you do.

Let’s try to picture how someone who is truly in full belief in their business. How would they respond to the question of “Hey what do you do? I know you run a business.”

The way they’d introduce their business. The way they’d share how they help people. Their energy. The conviction in their voice. All of that would be so clear to the person on the other side.

Also, they’d likely talk about their business and work in such a compelling way that the other person would want to know more, right?

But if we’re talking about our work so passively, the conversation will just stop right then and there. If that’s how you’re talking about your work to people, how can you expect others to “get it” or support your business?

In 2019 when I first started my business, no one around me truly “understood” and there was a lot of skepticism. My parents told me not to put my face on the Internet because it’s not safe. My old classmates and peers had some not-so-nice things to say about my content and business. And the boyfriend supported me but didn’t quite understand what I was doing. LOL.

Fast forward to today, we’ve created over US$100k in 2021 alone, and people around me see the business differently.

For one, my parents see my business as a legit source of income and are totally on board with the idea of me leaving my PhD to do my business full time.

Others around me see my business as an example of what’s possible, and I’ve also received messages from classmates who say that they really admire what I’m doing. The boyfriend is confident I can go full time into the business. But sometimes I still wonder if he really knows what my business is all about.

But if I had continued to show up in a way that gives the impression that my business is “just a cute little side hustle”, I would not have the results I have today, because I wouldn’t be taking the actions or thinking the thoughts in the first place that will help me create these results.

Also, people around me also wouldn’t know why they should support my work or see the potential in it.

And guess what? It’s not their fault or responsibility to support me. Rather, it’s our responsibility to show up for our own work, lead by example, and stay committed to our goals, even when others don’t “get it”.

If you currently feel that the people in your life don’t support or “get” your business, how might you actually be contributing to their responses or perceptions of your business?

How have you been showing up for your business when people are asking you directly about it or when people are looking at you or your social media ?

How are you backing your own work? How much belief and enthusiasm and commitment are you demonstrating to others?

Because if you’re not liking what you’re seeing, how can you take responsibility and start showing differently or start leading by example?

If you aren’t showing up in a way that shows people that you believe in what you do, we can’t expect others to support your business or believe in what you do.

Personally, the past few years have led me to truly embody the following when it comes to making decisions about my life, business, career, or anything else in between.

From dropping out of law school to figuring out my life to starting my own business and currently scaling it to multiple six figures, to making a decision about whether or not to finish the PhD in Hong Kong, whenever it comes to making a decision, here’s how I see things:

1) Always take responsibility for your decisions. Always. This means that even if you’ve made a decision and there are now consequences that you don’t like, you have to be okay with that and take responsibility.

2) Stay committed to your decisions and keep your word, even if it feels like no one supports your goals. Don’t half ass things just because you’re discouraged about things not going the way you’d like or because it feels like no one is supporting you. You have to stay committed to what you say you’d do, because that’s what it means to take responsibility for your decisions.

3) Finally, just make a decision. There’s no right or wrong, but you need to decide and move forward.

What to do if you do decide to go a different route from what others expect of you

You don’t have to follow the career path that your parents expect of you. It’s okay to create your own dream life rather than your parents’ dream.

Whatever decision you make right now, whether it’s within the scope of your business, or maybe it’s related to a major life or career pivot, always have your own back.

You need to simply make decisions and take responsibility to make it work. This is especially relevant when it comes to your business.

The truth is, for many of you listening to this, you may be able to relate. I became an entrepreneur because I wanted to be more. I wanted to do more. I wanted to give and serve more. The path that I was originally on wouldn’t have allowed me to be my best and give my all, in my full capacity or potential. That’s why I started my own business.

Because I didn’t want to be an average version of myself.

Being a lawyer for many people is becoming the best version of themselves and serving the world at their highest capacity. But for me, I knew that’s not within my skill sets or talents or gifts. I knew deep down that I can serve the world better outside of being a lawyer.

If you’re reading this right now, you’re currently in the midst of making a decision, no matter how big or how small. I want to acknowledge that it’s normal to feel scared or doubtful because your brain may not have any past data to reference to help support your decision making.

Maybe you’re deciding whether to post that carousel post on your Instagram. Maybe you’re deciding whether to start your business. Maybe you’re deciding whether to leave the current fancy job that you have and try something else that you deeply believe in.

Maybe you’re questioning whether you can actually lose weight. Maybe you’re literally flip flopping between what restaurant to go to this Friday night. Literally. Anything.

Whatever decision you need to make at this moment, I want you to know that you literally cannot make a wrong decision. More specifically, you cannot make a wrong decision as long as you take full responsibility for it.

Right now, I want you to just make a decision, even if your brain is freaking out. Just make a decision and stay committed to it.

It’s completely okay if your brain is freaking out. Let it freak out.

After your brain starts to calm down, remember this: You owe it to yourself to go after your own dreams and to serve the world at your highest potential. You deserve to be recognized for your gifts, thoughts and ideas, and other people can truly find value in what you have to say and in the skills you have, to help them.

Your goals and dreams matter. Your ideas, lived experiences, stories and honest opinions all matter. Ultimately, you matter.

I invite you to make a decision today, on something you’ve been dwelling on or avoiding. Be willing to take full responsibility over the outcomes of it while staying fully committed to making it work.

For some of you, this decision may involve going against what people think is rational or what most people believe is “right”.

No matter what voices you’re hearing internally or externally, take responsibility for your decisions, stay committed to making your decision work, and trust that you cannot make a wrong decision and that you’ll always have your own back.

Sounds good? Awesome. Let’s get to work.